You asked me how I was every time you see me on-line.
My reply is always the same. I tell you I'm fine and we are all doing great. Most of the times, that's true.
Not right now though.
Right now, I'm tired. My heart aches.
I'm weary of being strong and pretending that everything is alright.
When I was younger, the world was easy. Life was but a game I play. I felt free and sure of everything.
Now I realise life was like that because you shielded me from all the heartaches life could bring.
Now, I'm thousands of miles away from you and have a family of my own, I've discovered how sheltered I had been.
Life is hard.
At times, I want to give up.
To shout to the world that "I quit! I've had enough!" then pack my bags and just leave, no looking back.
But I can not do that.
Like you, I have others to think of now besides myself. No matter what life throws at me, I have to be strong for them
and tell them that life is good
...just like the way you've always told me before.
And I have to tell you the same.
Because I don't want you to cry.
I'll do the crying for the two of us.
Just know that everything is fine and we are all alright. I know it frustrates you and hurt you thinking I don't love you anymore since I never seem to have any new story to tell.
But I would rather you be upset with me thinking I don't care than to break your heart knowing that I hurt and you are so many thousand miles away and can't do a damn thing about it.
I just want a hug.
For you to tell me, everything will be alright.
I know things will look better in the bright of day.
But right now, it isn't and I ache. And I'm all alone pretending to be strong.
Tomorrow, I promise I'll be strong again.
Just not right now.
I miss you so.